Presentation

I am doing this presentation in Japanese about Earth Day. I didn't realize that The United States is basically the only country that does this celebration. I am assuming this is because we are the only nation that doesn't really force people to recycle... or maybe it's the fact that it was created in the 70s and we were quite a large hippy nation. Either way, I am amused at the photos I have found on the internet. Lets save our planet, shall we? Wish me luck!

Feeling

Sometimes,

I feel like I am not solid.

Just a hollow figure.

There is nothing behind my eyes,

just darkness.

Empty sockets of tactless

consciousness.

I am a negative kind of person.

It is if I never thought of anything.

I never felt anything.

I never saw anything.

It is as if I haven't even begun to live.

All I seem to crave is this blackness and silence.

It's as if those words are what consoles me.

What do you do when your life gets as bad as it can

and it just keeps getting worse and worse.

You keep going?

What is the point of living if you are just negative space?

I guess I'm floating

the slowness of it,

floating.

the slowness of it,

fixed.

I begin to not feel these

adjustments to my corpse.

it's getting cold and I am quivering

with the fears of falling

yet I am still floating,

still torn, split in two.

reaching the climax

anticipating the fall,

but the anxiousness

within me

never comes to a

conclusion.

disoriented and confused,

I am completely suspended.

not only alone and forgotten

but left with only the

inception.

Lately,

I've been feeling this way. I wish I could stop, but it seems there is no way of changing how I feel.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day,

I will become one with myself.

Tomorrow is the start,

of become stronger

and not easily be overcome.

Tomorrow shall be the day

when I will become myself again.

Oh, I can't wait to see you again.

Though, I can't say this is for the better.

I have missed you so, my dear.

How I've longed for this moment,

dreamt of this day since apart from you.

I feel it now. Everything is melting away.

I am shedding this skin, starting fly,

but then I fall, right back to you.

And that's the way I like it.

So tomorrow, my friends, I will not exist.

You will not be seeing me,

even though that is like the usual.

I will be with my other side, and companion.

Tomorrow shall be the day when my soul returns

and I will blend my mind, body, and soul together

to become what I should have never changed.

I'm Going Crazy

Dearest,

I'm going crazy. The way I act, feel and think is creating this struggle inside me. I feel awkward socially and I seem to be unable to attract others. I don't understand why, I can't seem to figure it out. Someone has told me once that I was different, but yet another person has told me the same. So, there must be something wrong with me, right?

Currently, I just have no enthusiasm. I don't want to be in touch with people, I don't want to look at or taste food, and I do not want to move my body. However, all these things are what creates a sense of excitement within our lives. I want to be able to enjoy myself, you know? I want to feel what I felt before. Despite that, I feel disgusted with myself and I wish I could die. Cliche, I know but it's not because of the depressed thoughts that haunt my mind. It is merely the fact that I cannot look at myself anymore. The things I do, I want to continue to do them, but my body is showing me it cannot handle it anymore. Even though my body is getting larger on the outside, inside my body is eating itself. Whether it's the environment in which I live, loneliness, or people, I cannot seem to find the answer. I am sure this is why I am struggling. Either way, I am not content with the way I am. I feel like this will continue to grow worse, which is why I am writing to you. I wish you were here with me, beside me. I miss the thoughts we had, what we shared. I also miss the release that was presented to me. Everyday, I'm just locked inside my body, but I was presented with a release that helped me escape. Here, I have no way of relieving myself.

As a result, I have come up with a plan. I hope you realize this is not a good plan at all but I must do it. I don't even understand why I am telling you this, but I hope that I don't survive because survival is draining every single inch of my being out of me. I am slowly becoming nothing and I am afraid of what that nothing will become. What am I even saying? Lately, I have no idea what my thoughts are. At first, they are locked in tiny boxes and when one box is opened, they rush out. I try and catch them, but it's too difficult. Then, I continue to open more and more boxes, spilling more dangerous thoughts out onto the ground. I'm being flooded.. I can't breath.. I'm drowning in my own mind. The thought of drowning scares me, but I cannot help the water that is being released into the emptiness. I think drowning is the worse way to die, but I think about death every night before I sleep.

Well,

I can honestly say I do not even deserve to have a blog so I am not keeping up with it. Regardless, I have made it to Japan. I am thoroughly enjoying myself here to a certain extent, but I am just at the beginning of my travels. From now on, I will consistently update my blog with all the latest, important, or just silly things I think about posts. Yeah, you may hear my ramble. Regardless, I will end this now with a poem:

It was you who owned me.

My self was not destined

to forget the forgotten.

Although it seemed trifling,

I did not listen like before

which led me to choose.

I have to choose but

I simply cannot. I wont.

For I fear if I do, I will lose

what I have come here for.

myself.

everything.

you.

On Going

It's just never ending the signs of myself ending. The ending of the world. The ending of families. The breaking of myself and others. I don't know how I feel but I just woke up and the world exploded. My family and friends exploded on me. I'm sorry Subway, but I just had to get some cookies. Please forgive me for taking them (even though I worked prior that morning). I hate everything and everyone. Goodnight.\

Worn and Torn

Outspoken annoyance

overwhelms me

as I listen to the

whispers of the

sounds that come out

of the mouths of

the flesh and blood.

The petty words

that touch ears

go buzz buzz.

Ouch.

Hands reach

for the sides

but the sounds

echo,

echo,

echo.

"I've tried to warn you"

says a man who knows.

"Warn you about the

inconsiderable humans

of this world."

Of course,

I did not listen.

Now look at me.

Oh, people. Com'on.

Seriously?

I am surrounded by endless shit

and I can't move.

My Love

My love for you

was faulty.

Like the seasons

changing,

there was movement

elsewhere.

My love for you

has died tonight

like winter

destroys roses.

In all confidence,

I hope spring rises again.

I find

myself thinking

of you alone.

I was trying to

write this poem

to express my love

but now

I am just writing

because I have

no more love

to express.

I am an empty shell.

I tried everything,

but anger is an issue,

I guess..

Today, I tried giving a present to someone. They called me materialistic. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. I felt... confused, bothered, like I was doing something wrong by giving a present to a friend... or maybe I just felt angry because it didn't turn out the way I wanted. However, now I am depressed. Now, I am alone. And crying. I hate this. I really do. Ending would the best of all right now. I don't know what to do anymore.....

Movie Recommendation

Shadows & Lies. This movie was quite interesting. The plot and the drama was thrilling. If you like dramatic taumatic movies, I'd recommend. Anyway, Franco's persona was brilliant. Please watch, if you have the time, that is.

Besides me

The feelings of

leaving behind broken pieces

of empty glass cases

of purity.

Never thought

of being left behind

but besides me,

I am okay.

Beside me,

stay with me.

Lay down beside me,

but besides me.

Not thinking twice,

never ending days.

Actually, I never thought

I would think twice.

The shadows are overwhelming.

I see them on your face.

Besides me,

I am okay.

I never thought.

The Beauty of It All

Your lips, nose

Your chin to your neck

are the waves of a

humming bird flapping its wings.

Your soft lips give me

a sense of humidity

as they gently push together

on my soft skin

As hands move down farther,

they suddenly recal a dent in the skin.

The collar bone.

The bone which connects

the neck and the intelligence,

the reasoning I cannot comprehend.

The beauty,

Everything.

You are the most pleasant of them all.

Your reasoning is cold to the touch,

but your soft skin

cannot reduce my

compulsion to touch you.

Left and Right

The left and right brain

have no connection.
It's uses are useless,
stolen from the right side.

The right side is used most often.

It creates a sense of...

everything.

Connecting the two would be chaotic.

That mind blowing experience

would be stimulating.

A sense of ecstasy.

I can feel it coming.

Breathing harder and harder.

Pushing, pulling.

Living.

Body pulsing,

Hands trembling.

Ready for the excitement?

Not at all.

The sense of melancholic has been exposed

because of the connection between the two.

There is neither here nor there.

Once again,

I am back at the beginning.

Oh Now I see

I am a convenience.

Understanding

I just don't understand.

Am I just a selfish person as well?

A needle in a haystack?

I want to break loose,

but that was the way I was raised,

I guess.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to get mad.

There I go again saying sorry again.

How come it is always me being the bad guy?

Just a thought

I just need a break from my mind. It holds too much. However, even if i utter phrases, no response is given. All that is left is emptiness because of the way us, as humans, were raised; selfish, ignorant, naive. Nothing comes of this statement.

I just

explained myself

and got no response.

I am left with emptiness.

And so it seems

And so it seems

that dreams slowly

sway from side to side.

We sit and wait,

ponder and daydream

with nothing in mind.

Alas a moment arises!

Yet, we wait again

for a better moment.

Someone once said

"It's better on the other side"

Sometimes I hate myself

because I believe in that someone

in the most powerful way

but nothing comes of it.

Living

I just want to live peacefully,

with you by my side.

But I know it all ends briefly,

with a quick snap of pride.

Constantly we're drifting towards the end

but the end is not there to be awaited.

We wish we can live forever,

but forever is a very long time.

The People of Naive

I can't understand them.

The way they talk, move,

exist, deviate, triumph

blah, blah, blah.

Yet, in a sense, that is all they know.

we know.

Their eagerness to please society,

their anger towards others if not accurate.

I'm not understanding.

I don't understand at all how one can live

in this current world.

I'm not.

I wish I could, this whole idea,

this joy of having a job, house, kids,

paying bills, smoke cigarettes,

That's their dream.

Of course, it is mine too.

But i can't stand to live like this.

Oh, I forgot; they are so naive.

Everyone.

I see, I see now.

Haha Joke

I don't understand

how you can twiddle your thumbs,

explain yourself in a million difference ways,

as the world is expanding

and you are alone.

We all continue in this

dreadful society,

but alas there is hope!

No. That is all lies.

Lies to the bottom of an apple core.

you see yourself glistening

perspiring from the heat

of the never ending nonchalant

callas of your thoughtless expressions.

silly, really.

I never understood your gestures

as to why I was the ignorant one,

or I had no ambitions or anything of that sort.

Oh to be loved.

Love doesn't exist.

It only exists within our society

our minds.

But now that i have no love,

my mind is nothing

Falling Down in a Pit of Lies

To deviate from

the rightful mind.

Who defines it

I shall never know

but I solemnly vow that

I shall enter the darkness

with all mindless things left behind.

I can hear you calling

but I can't listen.

The thoughts of this world expanding,

the world falling a part before my very eyes

is petrifying.

I, myself, however have not a care in the world.

I will be alone, like usual, floating

down

down

down

down

Lies. All of these.

I will learn

I am very alone.

I have not learned enough.

I don't understand.

Though, I intend to,

I never will.

This is all because I am feeling myself alone.

The tingling on my face and hands

are the beginnings of

my realization that

the world is constantly expanding

and I am alone

while this is all happening around me.

My mind slowly going empty

shows the start of

myself slowly slipping away into insanity

as the world expands

and I am alone

while no one is with me.

The Thought of Love

The idea of love

is never pleasing.

You continue to exist,

try and work harder to please,

but in the end

the harder you work

the farther away you become.

You're trapped in this black hole.

People say

You can never love enough.

You can never love someone enough.

You can never please the one you love,

even though you try.

The sad thing is

this is true.

However, what they don't tell you

is that the one you are really trying to please

is yourself.

They never tell you that you are the one not loved.

Everyone tries, but never succeeds because it's a never ending array

of disappointment, confusion, doubt, anxiety, depression,

and simply never understanding why.

Not Understanding

I don't understand your words

They seem useless..

How do you just

Stomp on my feet?

Shake my body?

Slap my face?

My body is disgusting.

I am disgusted.

and I am not understanding why.

But, you.

You understand.

I will stop now.

Hello?

Is anyone there?

I am emptied of these

forsaken mishaps,

out of mind

for all time.

The color stripped

from my bones.

Lack of devotion.

Where is my motif?

The subject has

become discouraged.

I worry...

This is always consistent.

My mind is bursting,

The absorbance is disturbing.

Solitude can't make me feel less alone.

It's Summertime

And I can understand why you feel sad...