Realization

I realized many things tonight.

I hope never again.

I love you..

I miss you..

Please begin.

Just bought a print...

It's hard to get rid of people who don't know you hate them...

A Vision

I had an odd dream last night.

I was traveling with my parents in a car. There were many, many hills surrounding us and our little car. I don't know where we were going but it was interesting. No one was talking in the car, it was a soft silence. Eventually, my phone rang. It was my friend's mother. She was calling me, drunk, saying that her daughter was in the hospital and I needed to come right away because her daughter only wanted to see me. I didn't understand since I just saw her a while ago, or maybe it was a few months ago.. or maybe a year? I didn't remember but I agreed. I told my parents that I needed to go to the hospital and visit my friend. They said fine. However, they also told me that they were going to leave me there because they are on vacation. They wanted to keep driving to their destination (I didn't even know where that was). Anyway, as I we continued, eventually I arrived at the hospital. I walked in and I saw my friend. I heard my parents drive off. Her mother was passed out drunk as I walked in and saw my friend's smile. She looked at me, her hair short and her body frail. I asked "What's up?" Like nothing was wrong and we had some conversation about school and her mother. We discussed aspects of life and how my life is busy and her life is boring until now. Then, I finally asked her the question: "What's wrong?" She was diagnosed with cancer. At that time, she pulled off her wig and she was bald. I got nervous. Eventually, the dream moved on and I ended up in her home taking care of her since her mother was constantly drunk and unable to do anything...

It was weird. This friend is someone I hadn't seen in years. I have not even seen her face but her face was so clear to me. I hugged her tightly like i haven't seen her in ages. Now, I really miss her.

Japan

Ah, I am going to Japan in October

I wonder when the anxiety will kick in?

I am ready to embark on this adventure.

I think I am ready.

My mind is

My body is

I am

Well,

It is the end

the beginning of all

on going

in this vicious cycle

in and out

up and down

never ending

where is the beginning?

Issue #1 Solved

I got a job on April 18, 2011. I begin work on May 12th, 2011. Alas I have hope for this summer. That is all.

The Issue #1

Money.

I wish money was not the issue. I find it silly that a slip of green paper with the United States presidents imprinted on it can create your life. It is reality. Money buys your entire life from the clothes you wear, the books you read, the hair you change and even the shoes you walk on. Are we affected by it that much? Sometimes I wish I could survive without money. However, I sincerely know that I could never use the land for it's proper use, I could never not have running water. In a sense, I am spoiled. I am given so many things that I think I can live without, but then reality hits me and I cannot live without them at all! I try, I really do, but it's pointless. Maybe it's because of our society, maybe not. I feel like it an idea embedded in my brain since childhood. You must have these necessary things to survive: food, clothing, shelter, running water, a toilet, a car, money, sex, music... the list continues as you well know.

I'm sorry.. I lost track! I guess the issue really is money. I want to be a photographer, but they don't make much. They have a part time job on the side so that they can buy the necessary items they need (i.e. camera, lens, flash, film). Photographers need to have another job because their first job cannot support them! Why must it be this way? Of course I realize life is not fair, but com'on! It could at least be decent to me.

Anyway, if I had the money I would buy more cameras, lenses, and flashes:

Diana
Polaroid
Holga
Fish eye lens
macro lens
Flash + diffuser

Cruel.

Who am I?

I don't know. It's just like if--I don't know, it's like--I don't know. I can't even begin to explain it because I don't even know if I know what it is. So I can't really explain it. Because I don't know. I don't even know, like in my brain or in my heart, what I am really feeling. I mean, I don't know if it's pain or sadness or anger--I don't know.

Eternal Sunshine

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot.

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Each prayer accepted, and each wise resigned.

Alexander Pope

Something Ironic

It seems as though our friendship has turned into an eloping endeavor!

If only...

For Your Ears

Ratatat - LP4

1. Bilar
2. Drugs
3. Neckbrace
4. We Can't Be Stopped
5. Bob Gandhi
6. Mandy
7. Mahalo
8. Party with Children
9. Sunblocks
10. Bare Feast
11. Grape Juice City
12. Alps

Listen: Here

Buy: Here

Give your ears a brief idea of ecstasy.

The Source

Hollow inside,

lucid body.

Lost and confused.

Goals emerge to

ensure your pleasure,

relieve your pain,

ease your anxiety.

The idea of Mitigated Speech.

It consumes you until you lose control of yourself.

I wish I knew..

I wish I could figure out..

At what point did I lose my mind?