I'm sorry but

I don't know how I feel anymore
I don't know how to think anymore
I am extremely self conscious
I am beginning to have a stutter
yet I always wonder
</why>

Delusional

These delusions

are deleting my thoughts
about how i feel about you.

These illusions
are perceived by the actions
taken by a tenth of a fraction.

These fakes
are undertaking the rising
of eating your own flakes


bullshit

LOST!

looking up at the lights

thinking maybe it's a good night

take a couple of hits

making it big

but thats all in my mind

the boxes are burnt

unopened ones sealed

i can't get to you

your mind is a cave

the forgotten history 

of your love

plastered on the cold walls 

"It exists"

"I'm not lost"

Where is it?

Where are you? 

Panic

why won't someone tell me

what they know

or is it all a show

i can't really tell

the spasms of sarcasms

the flakes of fakes

like a self conscious woman

I follow you

blindly

i follow

but now i wallow

as your actions hit me

like a heart attack

maybe I am just being dramatic

It's a panic

shaken bones

my mind has grown

It's just a panic

a panic.

Asian Empress

These days 

I don't really think about anything 

All I know is 

I'm living like an empress of Beijing 

Girls with curls

 Hair let down 

Waterfall of curls 

I'm just like the other girls 

This is what I sound like

I just want to say words 

Oops

Don't worry

I'm just a spoon full of curry 

Spice fills up my lungs 

And I cough 

I'm not caught 

Me

I got friends all around me

They don't know me

Everyone thinks they know me

Though I don't even know me

Next

What do you think you mean 

When you tell me everything is clean 

But you know what that can mean 

Being clean isn't a sure thing 

People never change 

No spare change 

I can't help you out of this binge 

Just forgive me 

For the real thing 

I'm just right here 

Oh my friends

Where are you now?

You aren't right here 

You never were

Always stuck in your mind 

Always thinking of your self 

I'm not afraid of my prime 

Never gonna put my books on the shelf 

The dust of waste 

All a matter of being displaced 

But my vision is straight 

Balancing my time 

Making some rhymes 

I'm still not sure of what this is

But all I know 

I'm throwing a mean pitch 

Spitting my game 

Wishing I was on a plane 

Escaping the shame of faces and places

Running into the masses who are coloring canvases 

I'm ready for what's next 

Just let me know what's next 

liberation

I have this infinite feeling that I

Can do anything

Without even trying

I used to feel like

I couldn't do anything

And I was always trying

I used to feel like

The world was ending

And I was always pretending

But now I know

Now I know I can feel

Liberated

Without any help

Without any consequence

I know now that I can feel liberated

Without

The fog has been lifted

lungs have cleared

mind is opened

though one side of me wants to fight

what I'm doing is right

On my way home

All I'm doing is just going home

Decisions

designs will be created

Whether its believable or not

I know that I've been a liar

And I know that I've made decisions

Going into delusions

But the difference is clear now

Who doesn't feel sad

When things go one way

Who doesn't feel like they want to cry

Or feel like they want to die

Life is hard

Life changes

Life is in constant motion

And all these notions

Are constantly flowing

Without you even knowing

But

In the end if you conquer it all

You feel liberated

Its like your suddenly becoming literate

Of the world around you

And

Suddenly you can read things

And understand

Suddenly you can create things

And understand

And suddenly

You have finally found you

I don't know what you want

I don't know what the future will hold

I don't know what I'm going to do

But I know right now

What I know right now

Is that I feel liberated

I feel liberated from myself

Post-deciding. iv

All these manipulations

Never meant to hurt you 

I wasn't there 

But neither was the mind

The thoughts lingered

On and on and on 

Truthful lies 

Live and die 

Just give it time 

You'll be fine

Do whatever it takes 

Just give it time 

You'll be fine 

Recycled thoughts Continue 

But a whole new you 

And a new me 

Creative designs 

Flowing through the bags

taking out the trash

Trying not to lag 

I'm just down for a minute 

But I'm always in it 

Just give it time 

You'll be fine

Do whatever it takes 

Just give it time 

You'll be fine

Figure out things later 

The decision is made 

Emotions overflowing 

Not dwelling in the past

Won't let you down

I'll hold you down 

Letting my guard down

It's me I've found

All I'm doing is going home 

That's all I'm doing 

It's all I'm doing

I don't want to do this shit again 

I am not pretending anymore

I'm leaving now

It's all I'm doing 

That's all I'm doing 

Just going home

Decision Designs

Sometimes the pressure

Doesn't even measure 

The feelings that come and go 

With the flow

Inhaling in 

Then out the door 

Anxiety races as I light 

Suddenly ignite 

Warm summer days 

Cold winter nights 

But fall and spring can't even compare 

No one even cares 

You say you like winter

But you just like the sweater 

Hair up, pinned down 

Sleeping around

Decision Designs 

Tracing the lines 

Degrees are key 

But who thought we'd be cultured

all we are all vultures 

Clinging on to the devastated 

Going to yoga to get meditated

Maybe the doctor to get medicated 

But you know you can only help You

Because that's how lights do 

Searching for the paper 

Rolling up the letters 

Gotta get that cover 

Sow it, get it plastered

Drink to paid 

Going through the days

Waiting to get hazed 

I'm stuck in my ways 

Waiting for that one moment 

When I don't feel that pressure 

No more measures

No more math 

I can't calculate the act 

Trying to not attack 

I'm done with this shit 

I'll just type away my top hits 

Click click

Post-deciding. iii

How can I go so far up

But fall back down?

Never landing

Always misunderstanding 

Shapeless circles

jumping over hurdles 

How could I be facing the sky

But continue to lie?

Need a little push 

not off a ledge 

I'll smoke a little kush 

Never took that pledge 

How could I always try and reach

But be so ridiculously weak?

In need of clarity

But please no charity 

Post up some flyers 

I got the fire 

I'm gonna tell you right now

I'm not crazy

Just a little hazy

Why can't you just say 'wow'?

Just you

When we first met

It was a moment I'd soon forget

You were passive

And confident

It was nice

Looking at you

Then we met again 

Talked for hours on end

Mostly about music 

But it was nice again

I didn't understand you 

Summer came

A moment of change

I fell hard

Our bodies collided

It was a moment

Predecided 

You were my friend's friend

I felt like I needed you

But I was leaving

And I couldn't please you 

You cared for so long

Or maybe wanted loneliness to be gone

I was so far away

But you were still there

Now, my walls collapse 

Setting free thoughts

And emotions 

But I'm still far away

So far away

I can wait to hold you

Can wait to kiss you

Or maybe I cant wait

Anticipate 

The heaviness of opportunities

Waiting for something

The heaviness of cost

Wanting something 

Unreachable

Dream state

It's so heavy

Why must it be so heavy?

I just want to be good

To you

For you

Everything

I think I'm just struck

Electricity through me

When I'm near you 

Or feel you

Hear you

The realness overwhelms me

I just want to be good 

to you

For you

Everything 

Why won't you let me?

Post-deciding. ii

Something has changed

I can feel it 

my bones,

My thoughts 

Have I been naive?

Is it really time? 

Something has changed

I can see it

Eyes glazed,

Body torn

Where have you been hiding?

Must I let it find me?

This feeling...

This is what makes us real.

The panic.

The scare.

The excitement.

The love.

The change.

I'm ready.

Not everyone, though,

Not this time.

Especially not you.

Just me.

Post-deciding. i

The anxiety of it all

Mostly excitement

But reluctance creeps 

Are you sure?

Is this okay?

Moving backwards

But forward in time

Sewing happiness

But on a thin line 

Grown from a seed to soil

It's as though A new path 

is being created

But what will happen

When the habits cease

And new ones crease

But what will happen

When the memories recede

And new ones erupt

The future 

Where regrets are fruitful

And mistakes are grown

But a life continues

Hopefully not 

In a smoke

Or in a bottle 

We love you

You know we love you

We meaning 

My mind
thoughts 

heart and soul

My body

The mornings I wake up

Missing you

The nights I can't sleep

Trying to dream about you

The times I ache 

Just to feel your touch

There is no antidote

Except the love

Being not unrequited 

But given 

With endless living

Think twice

Before you love me

I'm a sworm of thorns

But we try

We try and be happy

Content with things

Everything

Us

You

Admission

wasted nights

sleepless days

parties upon parties

people chatting

Liquid spilling

Smoke filling 

My lungs expanding

Never knowing

Always growing 

Minds collapse

Moments collide 

Seeing you

Everything

Smoke and mirrors 

Meek touches

Sweet kisses 

My body itches

Cravings and habits 

Hearing those pitches 

Then missing you for a minute 

I don't know what else to do

Except accept and admit it 

Idk

I got a word

On the tip of my tongue

I can't remember 

Maybe it's just a feeling 

The feeling of life

Going backwards

Why do I feel this way

Maybe I'm just not good enough 

You don't have to talk to me

But one day,

Just once,

You'll realize it's you

Us

Everyone.

No one is going backwards

Words of indifference 

I'm not infinite 

Nor naive 

Just tell me how 

I need it right now

You can't search for it

But maybe it's worth it

Not knowing