Confusion - edited

I've never felt

I've never even dreamed

that this,

choices with voices,

would snap

with no authoritative

ambassador

yelling and screaming

for the door of brightness.

confusion

uncertainty

disorder

Just being pushed

on to the thorns

being pressed

inside your stomach

causing the heart

to break

from the flaws

that it sprung from

then crashing

down, down

belittling you

and your feelings

of desperation

and then it comes

crawling towards

you with hands and eyes

wide open

but you cry out

oh god,

why must this

and you don't get to finish

your words because

your throat has been

already grabbed

and being clung to like

if one was to let go

the whole world would collapse

so then you can't breath

and your body knows your

dying but

you don't want to

believe it,

you can't believe it.

shocking, flocking

the body feels hollow

like there is

nothing inside,

nothing behind the eyes.

choas has broken

down the gates

to the red house

that beats each day

wondering when it will

stop working,

growing tired, weary

shambles and lies become

food that white gates

munch on

as the thing that

is dearest whispers soft

words of loyalty

you have nothing

mumbling

not thinking.

scratching, weeping

wondering if i will

ever reach what

lies behind the clouds

of tired eyes and

broken vases,

of little faries dancing

to the sound of each

drop hitting the cheek

that is flushed with

anxiety of never knowning.

This,

this feeling

of wondering and

waiting and

never understanding

but constantly trying

is what i fear

the most

when i lay in bed,

and the moon shines

but darkness craddles me

as i lay on those

thorns that once

everything

me

you.

Confusion

I've never felt

this.

I've never even

dreamed

of this.

I am lost,

wandering around

with all these choices

before me,

not being able to choose

the right ones.

There is no guide.

No explanation.

confusion

uncertainty

disorder

Just being pushed

on to the thorns

being pressed

inside your stomach

causing the heart

to break

from the flaws

that it sprung from

then crashing

down, down

belittling you

and your feelings

of desperation

and then it comes

crawling towards

you with hands and eyes

wide open

but you cry out

oh god,

why must this

and you don't get to finish

your words because

your throat has been

already grabbed

and being clung to like

if one was to let go

the whole world would collapse

so then you can't breath

and your body knows your

dying but

you don't want to

believe it,

you can't believe it.

shocking, flocking

the body feels hollow

like there is

nothing inside,

nothing behind the eyes.

choas has broken

down the gates

to the red house

that beats each day

wondering when it will

stop working,

growing tired, weary

shambles and lies become

food that white gates

munch on

as the thing that

is dearest whispers soft

words of loyalty

you have nothing

mumbling

not thinking.

I am beginning

to question

will I ever get there?

Well,

Anxiety never ceases to enter my body. I can feel it race through my limbs, my veins with the core pulsing in my stomach. I feel like I could vomit, but nothing is in my stomach. It would be a hopeless comment if I was to say I'm fine, because I am not. However, whatever the outcome is, I will be okay. This, of course, is also composed of falseness and hopeless. I'm sorry. I can't do it. I really can't. I can't live without the touch, everything, your voice; it soothes me. It calms my feelings, my mind. Coming here was a mistake, a false accusation on my part. I want to go back to the way things were, but I looking at the situation now, that is impossible. All I want to say is I'm sorry or I'll do better, but those words cannot reach the center when there are rows and rows of walls blocking it. I am sorry. I can do better. I can be better. I will be better. Then again, mindless chatter.

I can.

I can't.

Please.

Just listen.

I probably can't,

but I will try.

日本語

今日は月曜日です。今日も私の友達の誕生日から名古屋一緒に行く！喫茶店とレストランに行って、買い物する。そして、プレゼントーあげる。とても楽しみ。笑　名古屋の後、岐阜帰るけど、飲み放題したり（正しい？）カラオケ行ったりする。うわ〜春休みいいな〜

New Year

It's the New Year, but I am not really feeling any different. I am feel very far away from reality right now. I feel lost, and yet, at home. I miss my friends.. or maybe I just miss something else entirely. I am sure if I was back at home, I would still feel this way. Maybe something is wrong with me... I wish I understood.